Early mid life crisis.

I’m definitely too young to be having a mid life crisis. I’m only 20, for god’s sake. And yet, here I am. There are lots of things that I want to achieve in life, some now, some in the distant future. The trouble with those goals is that I have no idea how to get there, or even if I actually want to. Especially when I’m not really sure what it is that I do want. I always have this measured, optimistic response when people ask about my choices for the future, that it’ll work itself eventually. But I’m terrified that it won’t.

I mean, I’m lying on my bedroom floor at 11pm while watching my 5th episode of Battlestar Galactica today as I’m writing this. So it’s fairly clear that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The hardest thing in the world for me is to work myself up to doing something about it. Where do I even start? If this was a real mid life crisis, I could just go out and buy a fancy sports car or get an outrageous haircut and be done with it. (I am planning to bleach my hair white at some point in the near future, but that’s besides the point.) Instead I know that I need to start actively shaping my future, instead of letting it happen to me.

The worst thing about all this is that I actually have things on my to-do list that would probably help me with all this. I have an actual plan. It’s not that I can’t be bothered to folloe through; it’s fear holding me back. I am a giant wuss and would much prefer to stay wrapped up in education so I never have to think about my future. Writing this feels like it’s helping. By admitting it to someone, to you, I can be held accountable. There are no excuses left for me.

As that Maya Angelou quote says, “ain’t nothin’ to it, but to do it”. I need to close my eyes and press send on those emails. I need to trust that my life will work itself out, but only if I put the effort in. Nothing will happen if that’s all I ever do. So here goes, I guess. I’ll let you know if it turns out okay. (And if you happen to have been in my position, feel free to reassure me in the comments. Please.)

A few words.

“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Socrates