When to stop.

Writing honestly, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to keep up with this blog. As I’ve talked about, I have a lot of other things coming up that I’m more enthusiastic about, and this blog isn’t really one of them. I still enjoy writing what I do here, but it gets to the end of the day and I don’t look forward the prospect of writing a post like I did at the beginning of the challenge. It’s not something that I particularly want to spend my energy on right now.

At the start of this daily writing challenge, it became the space that I needed to figure out my thoughts, my place in life, and the things I need to do to make it better. To an extent, it still is. But in another sense, it’s becoming a crutch. I spend more time writing about the things that I need to do than I do actually doing them. That isn’t really the most effective way to use this time. So now I suppose I’m at a sort of crossroads. Do I continue putting aside time to write something here everyday? Is it more of a scheduling problem – that I’m not putting the time aside for specifically for this? Or do I leave it, and focus on the things that are inspiring my creativity?

Because I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to think that I can do it all, and keep this space for the thoughts that don’t have a place elsewhere. But honestly, I don’t know.

New starts.

The start of September has always felt like the second new year, with the end of summer and the start of the new school year. So now seems like the perfect time to address the things that I want to achieve this year. I don’t want it to be a list of the usual resolutions that are vital to office small talk in January. Those have never been useful to me. And to be perfectly honest, I doubt there are that many people that stick to their resolutions for more than a month or two. What I think is more useful is a “big picture” to do list. A list of the actual goals you want to achieve, rather than the vague intentions to get fit or be productive.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m about to start my third and final year at university, and understandably, a lot of my goals are aimed at making the most of it. My first goal is to completely overhaul the way that I study, so it’s much more effective. For the last two years, I’ve used the excuse that I work better with the pressure of a close deadline to avoid studying, leading to a panicked all nighter and hoping my computer doesn’t freeze so I can submit my coursework in the actual last minute. Or the days when I’d be finishing my reading for class on the bus to campus, instead of the night (or week) before. I get it done, but it’s far too stressful. My goal for this year is to change that. Maybe I could set timers to keep myself focused while working, or have a solid routine with allocated times for work. Another idea would be to set up accountability partners, like in a study group. I could organise a group of my course friends together to meet up and work in the same space.

That last idea would also be a good start for my next goal, which is to be more social. To be honest, apart from the odd coffee after class, I haven’t spent too much time with the friends I’ve made, and I definitely haven’t made as many new ones as I’d hoped. This is completely my fault. This year, I want it to be different, especially because I’ll have so few hours in class that there won’t be as many in-built social gatherings. To change that, some ideas might be to actually go to the meetings of the societies that I join with good intentions in the first week. Or, as I said earlier, to arrange to study with some of the people in my classes. It’s completely obvious, but I’ve always been too scared to make the first move.

Outside of university, my other goals are career related. In the first semester, I want to find some work experience, and to do that I’d need to approach the companies I’d like to work for myself. I’ve known exactly what I’ve needed to do, now it’s just a case of working up the courage to follow through and do it. The worst that can happen is that they’ll say no, right? Lately I’ve also spent a lot of time planning a few things that I can do myself, that in the short term will give me some valuable experience in the field that I’d like to work in. And in the long term, who knows? I could make a career out of it.

Really, all of these goals can be simplified into one: go for it. Making specific and achievable goals will help, I hope. That way, it’s not as intimidating as telling myself that I’m going to get fit without having done any research to see what I need to do to get there. Do you have any goals for the next year? And how are you going to start reaching these goals? Tell me, I’d love to hear from you.

Appreciating others.

Yesterday, like every Sunday, my parents and I talked on Skype. And lately I’ve been feeling a little bit more homesick than normal, probably because there’s no-one else in the house so I’ve either been at work or by myself. So when I was talking to them yesterday, I asked if they would be able to visit in the next few weeks. For someone with social anxiety, even asking my parents for anything is difficult, and I didn’t want to force them to drive the 3 hours or so to where I live just because I’m a bit hormonal and homesick. But they came to visit me today. Granted, it’s a bank holiday in the UK and they didn’t have anything planned, but they came when I needed them. My dad got back from a work trip to Singapore the other day, and is completely jetlagged and exhausted but he still drove here and back to visit me. They dropped a day of relaxing and doing nothing to traipse around the town centre in the pouring rain because I needed company. I hate needing people, and I pride myself on being independent, but they’re always okay with it. And I absolutely love them for it.

This post is only a short one, a little reminder to look at the people in your life and appreciate them for their place in it. Take a little moment and thank them for whatever they’ve done for you lately. Tell them you love them, that you’re glad they’re in your life. It’s easy to assume that they already know it, but tell them anyway.

5 things this week.

Lately I haven’t exactly been living my best life. I’ve been eating too much, exercising too little, going to bed too late. To absolve myself of responsibility, I blamed it on starting my job. I’d been on my feet all day, so why go for a run? I’m tired, I deserve a treat. You know how it goes. All this caught up with me last night, and for the first time since starting, I missed a post. There are two things that I can do now. I can either let the habit that has started to form drop off, or I can make the changes that I need to so I can get back on track.

I wanted to stick with my regular Sunday format, and use this list as a way of working out for myself what I need to do to turn this around.

1. Go to bed earlier. This is the most obvious thing, and I’ve really been avoiding it. I spend all evening faffing around on the internet, instead of turning my laptop off at a reasonable time so I can get to bed earlier. Maybe I should set some sort of alarm on my phone to remind me to turn it off and switch to a book instead. It really is too obvious for me to avoid, and I know that it will help me in the long run if I stick to it. But the first step to solving your problem is to admit that you have one, so here’s to that, I guess.
2. In the same vein, I need to get up earlier in the mornings. As much as I love a lie in, at this point in my life I’m definitely a morning person. But not the kind of morning person that can get up and go, with no buffering time. There’s definitely an hour or so of grumbling before I’m ready for the general public. So getting up earlier gives me the time to grumble around the house, guilt-free. It also means that I would have the time to run before work, instead of waiting till after when I have an excuse not to.
3. Stop buying so many snacks! This is my real problem. I have a huge sweet tooth, and almost no self control when it comes to it. But the excuse that I use to get around it is that my meals are usually quite small. Maybe a more reasonable solution to this problem would be to buy individually wrapped portions, as a way of avoiding the temptation of the open packet. Or I could portion (and make) my own snacks myself; I’m sure that there’s a Pinterest tutorial out there somewhere for this, right?
4. Start journalling. I thought this blog would be the place that would hold me accountable; nope. It only works that way if I hold myself accountable. If I have a place to write down my successes and failures of the day, maybe I’ll be better able to convince myself to focus more on my successes than to my failures. Who wants to write out a list of all the things they didn’t do that day? No-one. So I just need to make sure that I don’t have to.
5. Take the pressure off. The thing that holds me back is the pressure that I put on myself. I’m definitely an all or nothing kind of lady. I’m either calorie counting and running daily, or I’m lying in bed binging on peanut M&Ms. My logic is that if I’ve had a bad moment, then the rest of the day is fucked, so why hold back. I need to let go of that mentality.

There’s a few steps that I need to take in order to be my best self. We all have our flaws, but what makes us different is the way that we deal with them. I’ve decided that I need to accept my mistakes, but learn from them and move forward.

On pen and paper.

Maybe this is the wrong medium for this, but I’ll say it anyway. I prefer writing on paper to electronics. Something about making a physical mark just gets my ideas flowing. When I write on a computer, it feels like I should have a starting point before typing anything. That flashing cursor and the blank page completely paralyses my creative process. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I appreciate about typing instead of handwriting. For one, the speed is nice; I can type much quicker than I can write. And there’s a guarantee that I’ll be able to actually read what I’ve written later, which I don’t have with my terrible handwriting. Being able to edit easily is nice too.

Handwriting is different though. I actually enjoy the fact that you can’t edit. Once you’ve written something, it exists and there’s nothing you can do about it. You might cross it out, but the mark is still there. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have an idea before you started, write something and the idea will find you. As I said earlier, something about the actual pen on paper just gets my ideas flowing. Nothing has to be in full sentences, or spelled correctly, or formatted in a way that makes sense. As long as those notes make sense to you. Almost all of my plotting and planning and ideas work is done on paper, across several notebooks. The ideas are always there for me to refer back to, without the need for saving or backups. As long as you can remember which notebook you made the notes in, you’re golden.

Handwriting also means a different level of concentration. As I’ve been writing this, I’ve been flicking between multiple tabs; checking my Twitter, watching a video on YouTube, doing a little bit of online shopping. You get the gist. I haven’t put my full level of concentration the whole time that I’ve been writing. On paper, you don’t have the same distractions. It’s just you and your notes. It’s therapeutic in a way that typing will never be for me. That’s probably the root of keeping journal for some people, the therapy of committing your thoughts to paper without the pressure of having something to show for it. If postage wasn’t as expensive in the UK I’d probably send a lot more handwritten letters. To me, it’s a far more personal way of communicating than a message or text sent with only a moment’s thought. Because you can’t edit, you take more care in choosing the right words, and making sure it’s legible. You put a little piece of your heart into each page. That’s what you’re sending. Plus there’s the fun option of sending little stickers and doodles without the faff of formatting something, which I love.

Undoubtedly there’s a place for both, but a little part of me gets sad every time I hear or read about the decline in handwriting. We need to keep it alive alongside technology, instead of letting one eclipse the other.

Setting a goal.

When I decided to start writing every day, that was all that I decided. I didn’t put a time limit on it, or a number of posts to reach before I called it a success. And to be honest, I don’t know that I ever will. Realistically I know that this can’t continue indefinitely. I have other projects planned, and other things that will probably take precedence over this.

So instead of numerical goals, I have another goal in mind. It’s more a self-improvement one than anything else. I started this as someone who barely ever wrote outside of coursework and Twitter updates. Whenever I do decide to end it, I want to be in a position to continue writing everyday through habit and disciple. No doubt this will be useful for practical reasons, like avoiding procrastion followed by all-nighters. I’ve had more than a few of those in my time and I don’t want anymore. My motivations are as simple as that.

Not only self-improvement, I also want to just improve. Improve my writing skills, my concentration, my motivation. Most of all, to approach a blank space with the mindset to fill it, instead of ignoring it until I absolutely have to. I read a quote somewhere online earlier that said something along the lines of “the man standing on a mountain didn’t fall there”. It’s the kind of thing that you’ve always known, but don’t really acknowledge. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the idea of “natural” talent. What I’m trying to acknowledge in my life is that there’s no such thing. This challenge to myself has forced me to realise that I’m only okay at writing, not as good as I could be and nowhere near as good as I thought I was. If you start something today, who knows where you’ll be in one year. Two years. A decade. If you don’t, you’ll look back in that year and wish that you started earlier.

Writer’s unblock?

You should probably know that in the past half hour, I’ve started this blog post about 5 times. Each time, I started writing about something different. Hence why I’m calling this writer’s unblock. It’s not the lack of ideas that’s the problem, it’s the number of them. I’m finding it hard to concentrate and develop a single idea, instead I’m moving between them all and hoping one might stick. Here’s a hint: none of them did. This one isn’t doing too well either, if I’m honest. The joys of a daily writing challenge, right?

So you know what, I think this one is just going to be a free association type thing. I think it, then I’ll write it. To be perfectly honest, that’s how most of my posts work, but generally with those ones I’ve been able to stick to a theme. There are no guarantees here.

I bought a set of watercolour paints today. I use to do it all the time when I was a kid, but I stopped after a while because I was no good at it. But I saw some on sale, and remembered how much I enjoyed it, even if I was terrible. It’s one of the first things I’ve bought in a while with no consideration of anyone else. When I learnt to crochet, and now I’m learning to knit, I always thought about the things that I can make other people. In fact, I’m planning on handmaking as many of my christmas presents this year as possible. (I’d probably better get started on those, really.) Obviously I enjoy making things, and I like giving people things that they’d enjoy using. At the moment I’m also in the process of setting up an Etsy shop, so that’s another consideration for my crafts. But this watercolour set is just for me. For now at least, I’m not planning on doing anything with what I paint. Maybe as some kind of therapy. No pressure. I’d quite like to start an art journal or something. Take a little sketchbook around with me, and just draw what I see. It seems like fun, and a nice way to maybe get good at something that I’m terrible at. Or not as terrible. Whatever.

That would probably be a good idea for me at the moment. I’m having a real crisis of faith in myself today. I’ve lost faith in all of my abilities, even the ones that I was confident with yesterday. It feels rubbish. It probably has something to do with the combination of my upcoming final year at uni, and my upcoming period. Hormones and that. I’ll probably sleep it off and feel better in the morning, at least not as bad. A coffee, a walk, and maybe a bit of time with my new watercolours before work and I should be right as rain.

I feel like this post has definitely scratched some kind of mental itch, and if you got this far, thank you. Thank you for listening when I just needed a moment to vent it out.

Me too.

There is nothing as reassuring as hearing someone else describe exactly what you’re feeling. It’s actually one of the things that I love about the internet, and the presence of an online community. It’s nice to know that you aren’t alone, and you aren’t crazy. It’s also nice to hear from people who have made it through the other side of what you’re feeling.

The strongest moment that I felt this was when I first found out I had misophonia. I wrote about my experiences with the illness in this post a while ago if you’re looking for an expansion. In short though, it’s a mental illness also referred to as Selective Sound Senstivity Disorder, which is exactly what it sounds like. Certain trigger sounds cause a strong emotion response, often something akin to anger or fear, linked to the fight or flight response. It’s most sensitive for the sounds that you hear most often, so those caused by close friends and family members. Until I found out that it was a real illness, I honestly thought I was crazy. For a while, I thought it was normal to respond that way. Then I realised that it wasn’t. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because no-one else seemed to feel the same way. It was difficult to do anything to help myself, when I didn’t know that there was anything to be helped. That change completely the day I first heard of it. Someone mentioned that they suffered from it, deep in a comments thread somewhere. So I did a little googling, and found a list of symptoms which read as a checklist for me. I’m afraid to say that one part of me was ashamed, to have finally found an explanation for my feelings and it be a mental illness. A larger part of me was relieved. I was so happy to have a word for what I was going through. And I was even happier to know that there were other people in my situation. That’s what “me too” means to me.

It’s also the value of someone online admitting to something that people in person often wouldn’t. To continued with my misophonia example, I wouldn’t need all 10 fingers to count the number of people that I’ve told about it in person. But online, it’s different. It can be an anonymous space to talk about our weaknesses, without fear of the reaction you’d get from telling your peers in real life. For things as simple as how many episodes of a TV show you watched today on Netflix, to things much more personal. The internet can get a bit negative sometimes, but it’s worth it for a space to share what we need to.

Early mid life crisis.

I’m definitely too young to be having a mid life crisis. I’m only 20, for god’s sake. And yet, here I am. There are lots of things that I want to achieve in life, some now, some in the distant future. The trouble with those goals is that I have no idea how to get there, or even if I actually want to. Especially when I’m not really sure what it is that I do want. I always have this measured, optimistic response when people ask about my choices for the future, that it’ll work itself eventually. But I’m terrified that it won’t.

I mean, I’m lying on my bedroom floor at 11pm while watching my 5th episode of Battlestar Galactica today as I’m writing this. So it’s fairly clear that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The hardest thing in the world for me is to work myself up to doing something about it. Where do I even start? If this was a real mid life crisis, I could just go out and buy a fancy sports car or get an outrageous haircut and be done with it. (I am planning to bleach my hair white at some point in the near future, but that’s besides the point.) Instead I know that I need to start actively shaping my future, instead of letting it happen to me.

The worst thing about all this is that I actually have things on my to-do list that would probably help me with all this. I have an actual plan. It’s not that I can’t be bothered to folloe through; it’s fear holding me back. I am a giant wuss and would much prefer to stay wrapped up in education so I never have to think about my future. Writing this feels like it’s helping. By admitting it to someone, to you, I can be held accountable. There are no excuses left for me.

As that Maya Angelou quote says, “ain’t nothin’ to it, but to do it”. I need to close my eyes and press send on those emails. I need to trust that my life will work itself out, but only if I put the effort in. Nothing will happen if that’s all I ever do. So here goes, I guess. I’ll let you know if it turns out okay. (And if you happen to have been in my position, feel free to reassure me in the comments. Please.)

5 things this week.

After yesterday’s bad day, I wanted to lighten the mood a little. My 5 things this week are the things that I turn to to cheer myself up, or keep up the momentum of a good feeling.

1. Fruit. It’s a simple one, but my favourite breakfast is a bowl of fresh berries, maybe half a banana if I fancy it, topped with a bit of greek yoghurt and cinnamon. A slice of peanut butter or jam on toast is a good addition as well. Fruit doesn’t just cheer me up at breakfast though; every now and again I’ll buy a pack of prepared fruit, normally mango or melon, as a little treat. Is it sad that Ican get so excited over a little pot of tropical fruit? It might be, but I don’t care.
2. A new magazine. When I was a kid, I would value reading a new book more than a magazine, and nowadays, I enjoy both. But there are some days when I prefer a magazine. For one, there’s no commitment or pressure. You aren’t required to pore over every word on each page, in order. To be perfectly honest, I mostly just like flicking through and looking at the nice pictures. I like the freedom of picking which articles to read first, or read at all. This time I picked up the new issue of Mollie Makes, which I thoroughly recommend if you’re into any kind of crafty hobby (or like wasting a fair amount of time on Pinterest like I do.)
3. A good cup of tea. Maybe this is my Britishness shining through, but there’s nothing like a nice cuppa to make your day. It doesn’t matter what kind. Just to give you an idea of how much tea means to me, I think I’ve had about 4 varieties today. Savouring your favourite type in your favourite mug has the effect of slowing down time, and making your problems seem a little less urgent. It’s lovely. If I really fancy a treat, I might go out for a cup of tea in town. It might seem silly, that I drank the same thing at home for free a couple of hours before and now I’m paying for it. To me, it’s similar to going out for dinner, on a smaller scale. So why not?
4. Getting chores done early. Now, if you didn’t think that getting that excited about tea and fruit is a bit weird, this is the one where I might lose you. But let me explain. If the first thing that you do in the day is to get your chores done, or you had the foresight to get them done the day before, then it means you haven’t got anything to do for the rest of the day. It means that you can totally justify a netflix binge, or sitting with a magazine or a book and not doing a single thing else. It means that you don’t have to stop, just when you’re really enjoying yourself, to do the washing up. And that’s worth it’s weight in gold.
5. New socks. It’s a bit early in the year for this, but once it starts to cool down and I’m dusting off my boots, then I’m all about socks. The novelty ones, especially. It makes sitting at work, or being in a long class much more bearable, when you know that underneath the serious work uniform, your socks have cartoon characters on. Or breakfast food. Or garden gnomes. You get the gist. Plus, there’s that special new sock feel; they’re just never as nice after they go through the wash.

Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time working out the best ways to get through a bad day, some mental, and as you’ve seen in this post, some physical. So, reader, what things do you reach for when you need a pick-me-up?